Thursday, December 21, 2017

Stability


For a while now, I've been thinking a lot about Stability.

Stability.

The quality, state, or degree of being stable.

The strength to stand or endure.

Continuance without change.

Steadfastness.

Permanence.


A majority of what I've talked about on this blog has revolved around my life and my experiences as a college student. One of the main things about being in college and in this weird transition period of life is the complete and total lack of stability that I have felt over the course of these last three years. A lot of that has been because of my own choice of schools, the location related to my hometown/family, and the cost. However, there have been quite a few other things within this third year that have contributed to my feelings of instability.

Back in June of this past year, I posted a really angry/frustrated post about things that were taking place in my life (You can read that post HERE) and then a few weeks later I followed it up with another post kind of updating on everything that happened since (You can read that post HERE). This post will tie in with all of that, so it'd be good to be all up to date with everything. Both of those previous posts really highlights the instability of everything, but I still want to talk about it in a more concentrated way here.


This past semester was harder than I planned, and didn't go nearly as well as I thought that it would. I spent a lot of time stewing over the semester and the things that took place, and how my grades would look once they were posted at the end of finals week. The fear and anxiety around being placed back on academic probation, or being expelled because of being placed on academic probation for the second time, really weighed on me heavily. Would I be forced to move again, out of the one place that was beginning to feel like home? Was I going to have to explain to everyone that I failed at the one positive thing I was doing in life? Did I really fail? How do I explain this to people?

My parents, who put their house up for sale in about June, just barely found a buyer this week. They were beginning to lose hope, and beginning to feel the frustration I was already having. An hour or two of notice before we had to be out of the house for a showing, which caused complete chaos as we ran around trying to hide everything that made it appear as if we were still living in the house. For me, this meant that the closet in what used to be my room, where my things are already boxed up from when I was there in July, is full of other "personal items" from around the house, and a showing means putting everything back into my suitcase and back into my car to drive to who know's where for however long strangers are walking around the house. It was especially bad during Thanksgiving Break in November, because it was my Birthday week and I was basically living out of my car.

It's weird to me that I'm not as sad as everyone else about the "loss" of my parents house, even though I lived there for a majority of my life. I think that I had already parted with it back in July, and I haven't felt like I've lived there or been at home there since I packed up all of my things. It's weird to think that I don't have a permanent room anywhere anymore though. I don't have a place that's really mine to return to.

Pepe, my handsome, sweet Pepe, is getting older and older, and his age has really begun to show. I wake up every day worried that he's gone for good, and Hamilton is without a brother for the first time. He has become slower and less like himself, less excited about life, and he'll occasionally close himself off in the igloo that they typically both share so that he can be alone. There have also been several attempts by him to start fights with Hamilton, which has never been an issue in the two-ish years that they've been together. It seems as if Hamilton moves too quickly or is too energetic, and Pepe lashes out at him. It kills me to even think about having to separate them. I've also noticed a lump on his underside, and although it's been checked and doesn't seem to be causing him any pain it's really concerning to me that it's there.

When it comes to my relationships, it seems as though everything has gone, or is going, awry. My current roommate, who I have been friends with since our first year at college, will graduate after next Fall semester. I will not be graduating then, I will be at this school for what looks like forever. So I have no idea what I'll do after she's gone. It's two semester away, but it's already something that I think about and worry about almost constantly. My friends that I had in high school are either married, having babies, or are finishing up with college and planning amazing adventures, all without any contact to their friends from the past. I've tried to keep in touch with some of them, but with the different time zones and busy schedules that everyone has, it hasn't really worked out. These people who I love, and want to have in my life for comfort and advice and friendship, all seem to be moving onwards and upwards in life, leaving me (and most likely some others who also feel this way) behind. It feels as though the last few years that I'm in school leading up to me completing my degree I will be alone, or with randomly assigned roommates, trying to trudge my way through life.

My current relationship, with the coworker that asked me out, is really up in the air. He basically only sends mixed signals to me, and really isn't clear on anything that he wants. At one point he even said that he wasn't sure where he wanted to relationship to end up. I really want things to work out, so I push kind of hard, but I don't know whether or not that's something that makes him send more mixed signals or if it's actually helping the situation. Most of the time I want to just ask him straight out if he could just be direct, but I don't think he can be direct because he doesn't know what he wants this relationship to be.

My job is running along like it always has, but having people yell at me every day is beginning to wear me down. I've had people yell at me because they had too many unpaid parking tickets, and I've been yelled at by people who parked in a fire zone but thought they didn't deserve a ticket, and I've had people yell at me because of the cost of the permits to be able to park on campus. After long days, and the thought of homework that needs to be done, and sleep that isn't going to be taken, on top of everything else that's been going on in my life, I sometimes want to go cry in the bathroom at work after being yelled at. I've tried to find other jobs, but I haven't been able to find one that's doing something better than what I'm doing now, and that pays just as well. Preferably I would like to be earning more, because money is always tight, but until I finish school minimum wage is about the best I can do. Most minimum wage jobs include being yelled at by strangers on a regular basis.

I don't know where I'll still be living, or who I'll be living with, or who my friends will be. I don't know where my parents will be living, or where all of my packed things will be moved to. I don't know how my guinea pigs are going to fare, if I'm going to have to separate them, or how much longer Pepe will last. I don't know how much longer my relationship will last. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to have people yell at me before I crack and have to quit. I don't know how I'd be able to afford school and food and gas without a job. I don't know if I'd be able to find another job, or a better job, a job where I don't get yelled at by strangers.

Stability.

The quality, state, or degree of being stable.

The strength to stand or endure.

Continuance without change.

Steadfastness.

Permanence.

Stability.

Something that I'm currently lacking.

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